Somewhere out there, a guy in a reflective vest is crouched over a sewage vat, scooping up toilet juice with a jug like it’s holy water. He carts it back to the lab, runs it through a PCR machine, and the next morning the news is screaming: “COVID Cases Rising!” That’s right. Your flush is apparently a crystal ball now. They call it “wastewater surveillance.” I call it “sewer scrying.” Forget looking at patients, symptoms, or actual illness — the future is read in the swirling stew of last night’s burritos, antidepressants, ibuprofen, detergent, and god knows what else. If the sacred machine beeps, the priests declare: the invisible enemy is back. And people nod along, because hey, it’s science.
But here’s the thing — this isn’t new. It’s not cutting-edge. It’s recycled, like the corn you saw float by this morning, somehow intact from last night’s dinner. Decades ago they were doing the same thing with polio. Back then, they didn’t have PCR machines, so the method was even simpler: take poop, inject it into a poor lab animals, and if the animals got sick? Boom. Polio found. That was it. No controls, no nuance, just sewage roulette. The animals die, a virus is born.
The Hidden Agenda of Wastewater Surveillance 💩
What if I told you that wastewater surveillance 💩—heralded as a cutting-edge tool for detecting viruses like COVID-19—has roots not just in modern health tracking, but in a history of public health manipulation, military experiments, and chemical exposure that have shaped the very idea of vaccination as we know it today?
Fast forward to today: the animals are gone, but the ritual is the same. They swirl sewage, run it through a box, print out a graph, and tell us to be afraid. It doesn’t matter that sewage is a molecular swamp of everything under the sun and the diagnostics are nothing more than smoke and mirrors (fraud). It doesn’t matter that PCR can detect meaningless ghost fragments. The story is what counts. And the story always says: danger is rising, trust the experts.
CDC's Poop Patrol
This isn't a substack on Gavin Newsom or how he's turned California into a literal sh*t storm or how San Francisco has an app to help you dodge fresh poop mines on the sidewalk. Today, we get to talk about wastewater surveillance programs.
Fear sells. And nothing sells quite like the idea that your morning flush contains the seeds of the next apocalypse. In the end, this isn’t medicine. It’s theater. The germ theory gospel, written in 💩💩💩, repeated on a dashboard. The technology looks fancier and more sciencey than just straight up injecting lab animals with poop, but the mythology (like those of unicorns and other things that don’t exist) hasn’t changed at all. And just like corn in the sewer, the story always comes back up.
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